


Behind the Wheel

by Shattering



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 21:06:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17670080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shattering/pseuds/Shattering
Summary: Shepard is not a good driver.





	Behind the Wheel

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure the Mako is so hard to control just because Shepard is a bad, bad driver! I wrote this one years ago after I played the trilogy. I don't know why I didn't post it then, so I'm posting it now! Thanks for Cappuccinomuki for the beta!

”My God, Shepard, where did you get your driver’s license from? The Wards black market?”

“Shut up, Alenko. It’s a bumpy road; therefore it’s a bumpy ride.”

“The hell it is! This is the _Mako,_ not some fancy Citadel cruiser: you’re supposed to be able to cross mountains with this thing.”

“Well I’d like to see _you_ try it, then.”

“I _would,_ if you’d _let me._ And I’d show you how it’s really done. _”_

“Sorry Kaidan, but driving is a commander thing. And are you implying I cannot drive?”

Behind the driver’s seat, Garrus sighed. “I think it’s a bit too straightforward to be considered a mere implication, Shepard.”

Shepard grumbled something about disobedient crew. Garrus snorted. Kaidan rolled his eyes.

The Mako was rolling forwards on a large rock plain of a large rock-and-volcanoes-planet on which their current mission unfortunately took place. Nearly everywhere around them large dark mountains rose to meet the red-tinted sky and here and there volcanoes spit out fire and ash up into the air. It was all really post-apocalyptic.

Damn Geth. Why did they always have to camp in such nasty places?

Shepard sat behind the wheel and was rather ably driving over every hard bump, crack and pit on their quite makeshift road. Garrus had nearly hit his head on the ceiling twice already and Kaidan, riding the shotgun, was starting to look a bit sick.

Behind the next corner, a new rocky plain spread before them. As the Mako stumbled forwards they could see a pair of Geth troopers stationed up ahead. They raised their metallic heads and immediately aimed their weapons at them.

“Shoot them!” Garrus shouted as few of the troopers’ shots came a bit too close for comfort, closer than the ceiling was to his head. The next ones crashed against the hull and scratched at the glass.

“I _am,”_ Shepard growled, working on the weapons system.  The Mako retaliated, firing shots rapidly. They hit every spot around the Geth but the Geth themselves, and the robots kept steadily firing back at them.

Shepard hit a switch on the weapons control and a missile launched off and raced towards the drones. It whirled past them and hit a large rock formation far behind them, exploding in smoke and flames and shards of stone.

“For God’s sake, Shepard, _aim,_ ” Kaidan groaned, barely refraining from rubbing his face, looking a tad pale and greenish.

“It’s a bit hard when you’re driving at the same time!”

More shots were fired, and more shots were missed. In the end the Mako rolled merrily over the Geth, who were left behind, trampled and broken in the middle of the plain.

“See?” said Shepard. “We’re just fine.”

Garrus tapped at the damage report. “Define ‘fine’, Commander.”

“Don’t ruin the moment, Vakarian. Nobody likes a killjoy.”

They continued their journey on a more uneven ground, if that was even possible.

“Watch out for the lava!” Garrus shouted, pointing (rather unnecessarily) at a rapidly approaching lake of flaming melted rock.

“Yes I can see that!” Shepard yelled back, turning the wheel roughly. Garrus nearly fell off his seat and Kaidan slammed hard against the seatbelts when the Mako suddenly switched directions, now racing to the left, only to come to a screeching halt in front a wall of rock.

It took some maneuvering from Shepard to get the Mako going again. Maneuvering, cursing and screeching.

“We’re reversing, Commander.”

“I know.”

“We’re meant to go forwards, Commander.”

“I know _.”_

“Now we’re spinning around.”

“I _know_ , Garrus. _Hush_.”

“You cannot drive the whole way on reverse, Commander.”

“Watch me -“

“A CLIFF!”  Kaidan roared.

“BRAKE!”

Shepard hit the brakes, and the Mako stopped some inches before the edge of what seemed to be a really deep, really rocky gorge.

Kaidan let his head droop in relief, some of the colour that had returned to his face disappearing once more. Garrus muttered something that was probably a thank-you to any deities the Turian worshipped. Or a promise to punch Shepard in the face. Most likely the latter.

“That was close,” Shepard said and pressed the gas pedal.

The Mako reversed another inch closer to the edge. The crewmembers shrieked.

“Whoops,” Shepard said, fiddling with the controls. “My bad.” There was a mean-sounding crunch as the controls shifted.

“You’re a dead man walking, John Shepard,” Garrus cursed from behind him.

“Actually, driving,” Shepard said happily, stepping on the gas.

“Bad jokes do _not_ help your cause, Commander.”

For a moment the drive continued in relative peace, with no more near misses and brushes with death. That didn’t last very long, of course.

“What are you _doing?”_ Garrus screamed. “Can’t you even drive a _straight line?”_

“It’s a bumpy road - “

“ _It’s not that bumpy!”_

“ROCK!”

“Whoa!” Shepard span the wheel, and the Mako narrowly missed a thirty feet rock formation looming before them.

“I saw that,” Shepard said after a moment of shaken silence.

“Undoubtedly.”

 By that time, more Geth had appeared, a group of them now awaiting them in the not-so-distance anymore. Lasers rained upon them, slamming onto the hull and hammering the reinforced glass.

Among the group of robots, a Geth rocket trooper was carefully aiming its bazooka at the approaching vehicle.

The missile hit the ground right in front of them, creating a small crater. The Mako raced straight into it at full speed, diving down and flipping over. For the crew members inside, the sky was momentarily replaced with the sight of rocks moving rapidly under them, and the sound of alarms was drowned by the high-pitched screaming. The back of the Mako hit the ground with a _CLANG,_ and then slammed miraculously back to its wheels, wobbling slightly from side to side before Shepard got it under control again.

“I’m gonna throw up”, Kaidan said weakly.

“Urghhh”, said Shepard.

Behind them, Garrus was making retching noises.

“Get in cover!” Kaidan snapped, forced back to the matter at hand, which was the rocket trooper already re-aiming its weapon at them.

“Oh, the Mako can take it.”

“The Mako is on _fire,_ Commander.”

“What did we talk about being a killjoy, Garrus?”

Their destination had finally come into the view: a big facility build half inside dark rock. The aforementioned group of Geth stood between them and their goal.

Shepard hit it, and the Mako roared, speeding towards the Geth.

And then Shepard once more drove over a bump on the road.

The vehicle jumped, tilted to the left, for a moment balancing on its left wheels before slamming back down again. Shepard made a sharp 90-degree turn and hit the brakes. The vehicle screeched to a halt, whipping up dust and crushing groups of unfortunate Geth underneath it in the process. It finally came to a halt in front of the facility main doors.

Shepard hit the weapon controls, and the remaining rocket trooper got a missile in its metallic face.

The two crewmembers inside stood disheveled and stared out at the dark smoke puffing from underneath the Mako’s hood with matching expressions of “Oh my God against all odds I’m still _alive”._

“Okay everyone,” Shepard said cheerfully, clapping his hands together. “Remember where we parked.”

The Mako gave a pained hiss as more smoke erupted from its engine. Kaidan couldn’t agree more.

 


End file.
